It has been 188 days since this blog has been updated. This is a brutal reality of neglect and procrastination; one that we have been meaning to fix for a while but haven’t gotten around to until now. Yes – we have been eating biscuits, but no, I guess we just haven’t been compelled to write about them until now.
No – we have not made some major discovery that is so important that warrants a new piece to be submitted, we just decided that it was time to blow the dust of this thing and get back to doing what we do best – that is – breaking for lunch and having a biscuit.
Now that we have addressed the culpability of the situation, the following will be a dire attempt to regain a smidgen of relevancy and credibility. Here’s a short summary and comment of what has happened in the wider world since our last post. Perhaps this will give you an idea of just how long it has been. No preference has been given to the picking of any of the following events. Bear in mind this blog is still about biscuits. I think.
February
- North Korea conducts third underground nuclear test in their now world renowned “nuclear programme” – the west stirs and tightens sanctions. North Korea throws more toys out of playpen.
- A huge meteor explodes over the south eastern part of Russia killing over 1400 people. This is later dubbed the Chelyabinsk meteor to strike fear and paranoia into the hearts of westerners everywhere. Little do they know that it’s only named in that way because Chelyabinsk is the main region that the meteor exploded over.
- Pope Benedict resigns on the 28th. The imperial empire crumbles as they wonder what they will do without Palpatine himself.
March
- A new Pope is select a couple of weeks later. Thankfully he looks a little less evil than his predecessor. He also pays for a hotel bill. The world goes crazy over this. I’m not convinced. I’m pretty sure I also paid last time I checked out of a hotel. Is there a trick that I’m missing out on? Please tell me if I am missing out on something.
- Cyprus is bailed out by the EU on the 25th of March. News media shows trucks driving out of ships into Cyprus. Presumably they are full of gold. No idea where the EU got it from.
- Hugo Chavez dies. This causes formula one driver Pastor Maldonado to crash his car. Allegedly.
April
- Boston bombings take place on the 15th killing 3 people and injuring many more. The internet goes on a witch hunt of all young lanky European looking males around the age of 20. This actually happened. Yes, I am equally as shocked as you, which is not shocked at all.
- A textiles factory collapses in Bangladesh killing over 1000 people, revealing massive problems in the building bureaucracy there. This is reported in New Zealand a grand total of once. We are too busy celebrating passing the Marriage Amendment Bill. People were genuinely surprised we passed that. Really?
- Mrs Thatcher dies. I wonder what kind of biscuits she ate in her time? Jaffa cakes (which reminds me, a review for those is due)? Hob nobs (can somebody please send me some of these? They look yum)? The world is reminded that death cannot be U-turned.
June
- Flash floods in India kill over 1000 people and trap many more. I think I was living under a rock when this happened. I would probably take gingernuts to the rock with me. I am very ashamed of these thoughts. I completely missed this.
- The NBA and NHL finals both happened. Now I know why I missed this. Talk about a good media coverup…
July
- Kim Dotcom goes up against John Key in a select committee hearing in what has probably been the most awkwardly covered news event/exchange of words in New Zealand media so far this decade. I literally could not stomach another chocolate digestive after watching this.
- Egypt decides that democracy sucks, and protests for democracy.
So what does this all mean? I guess it can mean that 6 months is a seriously long time. The next thing it means it that we can now forget about all the events above and talk about what really matters – which biscuits are tastiest and which biscuits are crunchiest and everything in between – welcome back to the National Biscuit Review.
